Rashmi asks:
Hi gals,
Mine is a typical arrange marriage… Engagement was in July and marriage is on 30 November .. At first everything was goody goody…. But slowly I realized my mother-in-law is very possessive about my husband…. She did not allow him to meet me frequently … If we plan to meet, she plans something else and we always have to change our plan…. At home she told my fiance to learn cooking and when he told that he not need to learn cooking as Rashmi knows cooking .she said I wont cook good, so he must learn.:(
She only thinks negative about me, I barely know these people since it is an arranged marriage, my marriage is getting is close to being disturbed now 🙁
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And that’s why , ladies and gentlemen, I am never getting married!
Oh trust me darling, that opinion will change when you find the right guy!! *puchhi*
I used to think like you do till a year back and then poof! My dream guy appeared *haan ji* *happy dance*
And when that happens you want to get married asap! Your whole world takes a U-Turn! Even I was like that till six months ago! No Shaadi, but I think now I am okay with it!
Love marriage: Yes! Arranged marriage: nope! 🙂
rofl hahahaha! Ohkay! I have to agree with you all ! But I will avoid it as long as I can! *duel*
Aditi, thanks for completing what I came to say!! 😀
*hifive* *hifive*
Just relax Rashmi and don’t overthink! It is natural for her to be possessive considering the bull shit all these sass bahu serials feed our moms. Once she gets to know you and you win her confidence that you’re not gonna eat up her son, she will be okay. Don’t worry
Be patient and don’t loose heart!
Yes hate those sas bahu serials ….. My to b MIL watch them *headbang*
All of you…….Thank you so much for your suggestions……
U kn I really cannot think my life without You people…..
I post all my queries here n feel relaxed
………. 😛
*preen* *thankyou* *duh*
Isn’t it good if he learns to cook?
Just take time.. When you get married things will be different as you will spend more time work your husband and that’s why he will understand your point of view as well. The trick is how you should tell your husband about your mom in law behavior. So slowly try to understand her, talk to her, give her that gyan of she being a woman as well……. And if she doesn’t understand then speak to your husband about her 🙂 just do not worry and enjoy your courtship…..
You can now start giving examples to your fiance about your family and how saas behaves in your family….. just stay calm… Hope it helps
Hi,
Nothing gonna help with these in laws..whatever we do …its jus wrong for dem…don worry..get married soon…all in laws r same..wht u do is…check urself abt ur patience level.. 🙂 once u r out of it..jus be a chandramukhi n show the worst of urs …. Den everything will go well… 🙂
Why do elderly women lack so much sense? 😛 Mother in laws , please do not indulge in such behaviour , it`s not healthy for you or for the household. rofl rofl rofl rofl
Never say a negative word abour your mom in law to your hubby… Just make your husband believe that you always have positive thoughts about your in law…. If he supports you well then thats all is needed … But never complain…. Patience… This is the main key for a happy married life… So if you cultivate the initial stages of marriage with love and patience, you will be the ruler of your household… All the best rashmi… My prayers for you….
I have a couple of suggestions:
1) Make some plans with your mom-in-law, things to do together, and make some plans for all three of you, you, hubby to be, MIL to be.
2) Ask you future MIL to teach you a few dishes that your fiance likes.
Be patient and like someone said, be patient.
Unless they are very bad and mean people, don’t let small issues become a deal-breaker.
I have a couple of suggestions:
1) Make some plans with your mom-in-law, things to do together, and make some plans for all three of you, you, hubby to be, MIL to be.
2) Ask your future MIL to teach you a few dishes that your fiance likes.
Be patient and like someone said, be patient.
Unless they are very bad and mean people, don’t let small issues become a deal-breaker.
I would suggest.. dont sound complaining to your husband when you talk about your MIL, but at the same time keep him informed about what happened between you and your MIL. I hope your fiance turns out to be a supportive husband and knows how to balance the two important ladies of his life 🙂
All the best !!
1. Never speak in a manner that will suggest your hubby that you hate your MIL. And you dont have to really hate her either.
2. It is normal for moms to be possessive about their sons when they are getting married. They cannot digest the fact that wife will now be more prior and dear than mom to the man.
3. Ask your MIL to teach you few dishes which are your hubby’s fav and also MIL fav dishes and also rest of the members in your sasural (FIL, sister/brother-in law, etc). So she will know that you want to cook for everyone in the house and not just hubby.
4. Dont include your cooking styles when she is teaching you. (example- habit of adding salt during cooking or after cooking may differ between you two). Just do the way she teaches.
5. She has also run the household for so many years, so of course she is experienced and does things in some manner. Try to learn that. You can incorporate your ways very subtlely and politely as time passes and as you gain MIL’s confidence.
6. You have to take the first step always to develop a healthy relationship with her as she wont be so accommodating as per your description.
7. Along with that treat your hubby very nicely, dont let the hostility enter your relationship because of any third entity (MIL in this case) between you TWO. Gain his trust, confidence along with love so he understands your intentions are good and not to break family. You can tell your probs with MIL to him at proper time and mood. Dont jabber all the time about her… Let her be out of equation when you two are together most of the time.
Lastly, even after several attempts, MIL refuses to warm up to you, tell her ‘We need to talk’. Talk to her straight but politely in front of hubby and make her understand that you want to be a part of this family and this wont work if she remains unfriendly all the time creating a rift. May be talking directly will change her attitude. Husband must be present so MIL cant tell false stories to him about you.
If it still doesnt work, to hell with it. Tell your husband it isnt working and you wont make more attempts to make your relationship work with her if she is not interested. Just do your duties as a woman of the house taking care of elders when they are sick or in need. But dont get bothered with the thought if your in-laws would like things you are doing.
Never ever allow anyone else to change the way you dress, the things you like to do or eat. Only you control things you do for yourself. Ex-If you like to jog in the morning but cant do now, do it in evening may be, but dont ever stop doing it. There is no reason to sacrifice things you love to have in your life.
this is very well written Ashu! *clap*
The perfect “process” to deal this issue. *clap* Ashu.
One thing to remember is don’t lose yourself in the process. Don’t lose your sense of humor or your self esteem trying to fit into the other family. Keep them intact and let your personality shine. Respect elders but no need to bring down yourself to do that. If you are being right, then automatically everyone will understand and support you, mainly your husband. On a lighter note, watch a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond if you have’nt. I love the way how Deb deals with her MIL. That lighter vein should always be present when dealing with narrow minded people, otherwise there’s a chance of becoming like them. 😛
Thanks Shri, Tanvi!!! 🙂
Let me give you my Gyan..Who tells you that MIL said this n that for you,if it’s your husband then he must be having his own opinion about this matter….my point is if your husband is with you,supports you,understand you,can differentiate between right and wrong then darling no need to worry *haan ji* but if he is in blind maatrabhakti then no one can rescue you *nonono* .i have more to say *announce* but abhi itna bahut hai.
well one of the biggest problem dat every girl undergoes………personally speaking I only knw 1% MIL’s who really love dere DIL’s like dere daughter’s rest 99% treat d DIL’s like free house maids with whom dey compete for every single thing ……… n as far as my experience goes nomatter wat u do to please dese ladies dey will never turn over a new leaf so jst avoid dem n chill 😉
I agree with everyone who says not to make mountains out of molehills. It’s too early to decide if she hates you. A little possessiveness on her part is natural, provided it eventually dies down.
I think you shouldn’t make any hasty judgement, rather just take things slow and always be respectful. If she’s a normal person, she’ll warm up to you too, and you guys will be fine. If she turns out to be a toxic person, then you’ll have to tell your husband that while you’ll still be respectful towards her, you will not let her negative energy ruin your life, and so you’re going to be keeping a distance from her. It’ll then be up to him to clear things up.
Whatever happens, focus on building the relationship between you and your hubs – if that’s good then everything else will work out in the long run.
just give it time, she is just freaking out may be. 🙂
I can understand your confusion and disappointment. Since you are already engaged, there is all sorta pressure to go ahead and “adjust” with your new life because if engagement is broken, people will talk all sorta nasty things , specially about the girl. And to tell you the truth, there is such a thing as “good mother in law”. I would advise you to go with your heart and decide for yourself whether you want to go ahead with this marriage. it is very easy to get out of it at this point than “adjusting” your whole life. And believe me, even if your would be husband is all loving and understanding, after a couple of years of marriage, things will be very different.
All the best dear.
I totally agree with all that has been suggested by lovely ladies here..my case was or i should say is the same even after a year of marriage. My suggestion would be that you try to know your MIL more, try to understand what she is like coz right now she might be just freaking out but this could be other way round also and she could be this way only. From my personal experience, it could be either good or bad there is no other way round. Even if your fiance understands u but is matrubhakt then it will be difficult for you to deal with the situation. Just keep calm and keep your relationship with your fiance healthy no matter what. All the best 🙂