This post came out tumbling from inside me. No, Rati and I didn’t have a fight today. But I was watching a movie seeing a heated boardroom drama and relating it to marriage and all. And I started ruminating about my marriage and business, about my fights with Rati and my business partner, and so on. And these points come from my personal experience, and all my “where are my socks?”, and “I’m right” “You’re wrong” kind of days. So here are my top 10 tips to avoid fights with your partner.
1. Don’t Carry Your Foul Mood Around: If you are having trouble in business or office, issues with your relatives, problems with maid, irritating feelings with household chores don’t carry it around all day. Don’t keep answering all your partner questions in a sullen mood, stay silent and sulking and not talking, or growling or screaming at small issues in home. You are inviting an eruption from your partner. If you are in a foul mood because of something spit it out to your partner. Let your partner know.
2. Learn to Lower Your Voice: This is such an amazing habit to form while resolving or avoiding fights. Many a times unknowingly our voices get raised and our partner feels threatened or offended by our ‘screaming’. Happens to me all the time; my voice gets raised automatically when I am in an argument although I am not at all angry or trying to intimidate. But I have learnt to lower it instantly when I notice it or my partner points it out. This is an essential tool for resolving fights- always keep your voice to a normal level.
3. Value Your Partner’s Responsibilities and Share Them: We have a tendency to think about our own responsibilities and feel cheated that we are overworked or overburdened. Perhaps your partner is sharing the same sentiments. If your partner is not sitting idle all day, he/she must be engaged in something. Take notice of your partner’s endeavours and value them. Not only that, go ahead and share your partner’s responsibilities if you can. Might spice up your marriage.
4. Don’t Cut Time on Romance, Love, or Sex: Lol, remember the familiar cosy, warm, and happy feeling in the morning after you had a great night? And you and your partner giving knowing grins to each other all day? No fights that day eh? Right, don’t miss out on hugs, kisses, flowers, gifts, togetherness, and sex in your marriage. It binds you together. Worried with office politics? Too tired working? Not in the mood? Squash it out and reach out for your partner.
5. Listen, Think, Understand, and only THEN Speak: Mark Twain once said “”A great many people think they are thinking when they are actually rearranging their prejudices.” So whenever your partner is putting his/ her point across don’t just blindly blast a counterpoint across. Don’t just argue because you have to argue. First listen, then think and understand your partner’s point, and only then express your views on it. Taking a pause to listen might make you understand your partner’s point better.
6. Respect Your Partner’s Ego: Well you have pride and your partner has an ego. We totally understand. Keep your partner’s ego in mind all the same. Don’t put your partner down in front of others, or make fun, or shout. Be nice to your partner’s friends, relatives, or colleagues.
7. Choose Your Words Carefully: Words are your most important tool of communication with your partner. Choose them carefully. Don’t say “You’re not romantic at all.” Say “I would feel nice if you bring me flowers.” Word which don’t hurt don’t create rifts. Not only that, don’t use words which your partner will misunderstand. Otherwise you may find that you were arguing on something else and that your partner found some words of yours offensive and suddenly you two are fighting over something else. Total confusion. And you will take more time to resolve your fight now. Also, people who are good with words are specially keen to the tone, tenor, and choice of words in others’ voice. Not only that, stay honest while speaking to your partner.
8. Learn to Say Sorry: Well, in the heat of the moment, you would be certainly forgetting all I said, right? Well, say sorry as soon as you can. Manao your partner. Why should both of you stay sulking in two separate corners of your home? Say sorry, discuss it out, manao your partner and get it over and done with.
9. Keep Your Humour: If you can bring humour during your fights to defuse the tension, nothing like it. You’ve mastered the art of resolving conflicts. Not only that, if you are going to say something caustic or chastizing to your partner, better say it with humour. Start with thinking how you can say it with sarcasm, then tone it down a little and make joke about it. Keep it fun and keep it cool.
10. Resolve Fights By Not Walking Out: Well, this is one rule that I have been subconsciously following for many years- whenever I am in argument or a fight with someone, I do not walk out by banging the door or disconnect the phone in anger. I see it through the end. I will keep on discussing and arguing till I resolve it. I don’t like stretching fights needlessly. If I walk out, cutting the argument in the middle, I leave it unresolved. And sometimes it is never resolved and keeps on rankling inside. So my thing is- stay mad, stay put, and keep fighting till someone runs out of breath. 🙂