TOP REASONS WHY EVE WAS CREATED:
- 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
- 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
- 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
- 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
- 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
- 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
- 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
- 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
- 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
- And the #1 reason why God created Eve…
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”
MARRIED COUPLE BED SHARING FORMULA:
MEN AND COMPUTERS:
DIFFERENT TYPES OF MEN
There is the:
- 1. INTERNET man : Man of difficult access
- 2. SERVER man : Always busy when you need him
- 3. WINDOWS man : Everyone knows that he can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without him
- 4. EXCEL man : They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to achieve your basic requirements
- 5. D.O.S. man : Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more
- 6. VIRUS man : Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , installs himself and uses all your resources, if you try to uninstall him you will lose something, if you don’t uninstall him
you will lose everything.
- 7. SCREENSAVER man : He is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun
- 8. RAM man : he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him
- 9. HARD DISK man : he remembers everything forever
- 10. MULTIMEDIA man : he makes horrible things look beautiful
- 11. USER man : he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs
Question: Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
- Answer: When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, “I don’t know.”
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, “Ohhhhhh.”
Question: How does a man keep his youth?
- Answer: By giving women money, furs and diamonds.
25 REASONS MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN:
- 1- Your last name stays put.
- 2- The garage is all yours.
- 3- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- 4- Chocolate is just another snack.
- 5- You can never be pregnant.
- 6- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- 7- You never have to find another restroom because this one is just too icky.
- 8- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.
- 9- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- 10- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- 11- One mood all the time.
- 12- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- 13- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- 14- You can open all your own jars.
- 15- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- 16- Your underwear is just $9.95 for a three-pack.
- 17- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (sometimes 2)
- 18- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- 19- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- 20. You only have to shave your face and neck.
- 21- One color for all seasons.
- 22- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- 23- You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
- 24- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- 25- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
HOW TO GET MEN INTERESTED IN DIAPER CHANGING:
WHAT A RECENT STUDY SAYS ABOUT WHEN A WOMAN FEELS ATTRACTED TO A MALE:
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man “doused in petrol” and set on fire, with “scissors stuck in his eye” and a “cricket stump shoved up his backside.”
BATTLE OF SEXES ONE-LINERS:
Question: When does a woman care for a man’s company?
- Answer: When he owns it.
Question: Why do men get married?
- Answer: So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
Question: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
- Answer: Put the remote control between his toes.
Question: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
- Answer: So men can remember them.
Question: What did God say after creating man?
- Answer: I must be able to do better than that.
Question: What did God say after creating Eve?
- Answer: “Practice makes perfect.”
Question: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
- Answer: Bonds mature.
Question: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
- Answer: They’re married.
Question: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
- Answer: So they can find their way back to the house.
Question: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
- Answer: A widower.
Question: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
- Answer: He wouldn’t ask for directions.
WHY GOD CREATED WOMEN:
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.
WHY WOMAN GAIN WEIGHT AFTER THEY GET MARRIED:
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Laws women should live by:
- 1. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
- 2. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
- 3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- 4. If we put a man on the moon – we should be able to put them all up there.
- 5. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
- 6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
- 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- 8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- 9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he’s too old for it.
- 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- 12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
- 13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him chequebooks.
- 14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
- 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
BRAIN TRANSPLANT – MALE VERSUS FEMALE
At hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, a you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more expensive?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”
THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN IN THE WORLD:
SOME UNIVERSITY COURSES THAT SHOULD BE INTRODUCED EXCLUSIVELY FOR ALL MEN:
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
- 1. Combatting Stupidity
- 2. You Too Can Do Housework
- 3. Resistance to Beer
- 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
- 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
- 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
- 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
- 8. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche
- 9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook
- 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
- 11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
- 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
- 13. You, The Weaker Sex
- 14. Reasons To Give Flowers
- 15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
- 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
- 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
- 18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
- 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
- 20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
- 21. Commitment.
- 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
- 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
- 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
- 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
- 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
- 27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary.
QUOTES ON MEN FROM SOME GREAT PEOPLE:
- 1. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong
- 2. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman
- 3. I think — therefore I’m single. — Lizz Winstead
- 4. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson
- 5. “In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher
- 6. “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem
- 7. “Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill
- 8. “If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee
- 9. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn.
10. God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.
11. Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
- 12. There’s no trust,
No faith, no honesty in men.
- 13. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- 14. A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.
- 15. Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,-
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Much Ado About Nothing
- 16. It’s not the men in my life that counts, it’s the life in my men.
- 17. A hard man is good to find.
- 18. Men are all alike–except the one you’ve met who’s different.
- 19. The world is beautiful, but has a disease called man.
- 20. When a man is in love he endures more than at other times; he submits to everything.
- 21. Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind.
- 22. Man is the cruelest animal. At tragedies, bullfights, and crucifixions he has so far felt best on earth; and when he invented hell for himself, behold, that was his very heaven.
- 23. I danced more and played more in the last two months than in the last 10 years. One day it’s like a switch went off – and all of a sudden it was like, ‘Men! Everywhere!’ The cloud is lifting. I’m starting to see the light and it’s good.
Actress Jennifer Aniston Recovering from depression after husband Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie
24. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- 25. I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
- 26. No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry.
- 27. Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.
- 28. Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do – fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.
Richard J. Needham
- 29. Men play the game; women know the score.
- 30. Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
- 31. Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
- 32. Men are easy to get but hard to keep.
- 33. A man is a God in ruins.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
- 34. A man does not mind being blamed for his faults, and being punished for them, and he patiently suffers much for them; but he becomes impatient if he is required to give them up.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
- 35. It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have.
B. Earl Puckett
- 36. “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” ~ Maryon Pearson
37. Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.” ~ Anonymous
- 38. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” ~ Helen Rowland
- 39. “There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.” ~ Helen Rowland
- 40. “Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” ~ Helen Rowland
DIFFERENCE IN PERSPECTIVES: MALE/FEMALE:
DEFINITION OF WORDS BY GENDER:
- 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
- 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
- 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
- 4. BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
- 5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
- 6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
- 7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
- 8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
- 9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
WHAT IF MEN GOT PREGNANT:
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
- 1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
- 2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- 3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- 4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
- 5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- 6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- 7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- 8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
- 9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
- 10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- 11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- 12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- 13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
- 14. Women would rule the world.
WHO DEVELOPED THE NUANCES OF LANGUAGE:
A WONDERFUL POEM ABOUT A “PERFECT MAN”:
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
“The perfect man is gay.”
MOST OUTRAGEOUS AND CHEESIEST PICK-UP LINES:
- 1. Your legs must be really tired, you are running around in my head.
- 2. Is your dad a terrorist, ‘cuz you are a BOMB!
- 3. Hey…somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.
- 4. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
- 5. Hey girl, what’s up? Guess what? It’s your lucky day. Out of all the girls here, I picked you to talk to.
- 6. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
- 7. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
- 8. If I were a fly, I’d be all over you. Cause baby, you’re the shit.
- 9. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
- 10. “Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes”
- 11. You must be the reason for global warming because you’re hot
- 12. You know what would look great on you? Me.
- 13. You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
- 14. Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get!
- 15. The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.
- 16. Baby you must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night!
- 17. If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous.
- 18. All those curves! And me with no brakes!
- 19. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
- 20. You look like my second wife! And I’ve only been married once!
- 21. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
- 22. Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?
- 23. I lost my number, can I have yours?
- 24. If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.
- 25. My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
- 26. When God made you, he was showing off.
- 27. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
- 28. Do you have a Band-aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
- 29. Didn’t I see you on the cover of Vogue?
- 30. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW!
- 31. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
- 32. I wish I were a tear so i could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.
- 33. Did you just come from a post-office because damn you have a big package.
HOW MEN EQUATE FEMALES TO CAR:
Husbands have the same feeling for their wives as they do for their car, even though they have one, still they think that the neighbor has the best model.
LOOKS DON’T MATTER IN MEN (AT ALL):
Once upon a time (when I was a child), Arvind Swamy was a craze all over a India with killer looks. Look at him now. At the same time, Manisha Koirala remains the same, then and now…….
Some more funny cartoons:
MY ABSOLUTE AYES:
Well, my list is pretty short, no Hrithik Roshan, no Imran Khan, and no Tom Cruise.
- 1. Shashi Tharoor. Because he is the perfect mix of looks and intelligence.
- 2. Arnab Goswami…because of the way he says…”Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad, then Mister Ravi Shankar Prasad, then Missster Ravi Shanker Prasad, then eventually, Missssssssster Ravi Shankar Prasad.
- 3. Shihab Rattansi….news reader of CNN.
MY ABSOLUTE NAYS:
I do have a list of absolute nays and these include:
- 1. Kamaal R. Khan (KRK), although, Rati has certain designs on him.
- 2. Himesh Reshamiyya – for reasons very obvious…..uhhhhhhh….njalak dikla ja…njalak dikhala ja…..sing along Fathima (lady Himesh Reshamiyya).
- 3. Rahul Mahajan…the way he laughs…its repulsive….and ho-ho he did conduct a swayamwvar……most eligible bachelor…eeks……Ricinus Radhika should have applied…she missed her chance.
- 4. Khali…..the last specimen of a long extinct species.
- 5. Sreensanth….booohooooooooo
- 6. Prabhu Chawla…well, you can see the old saliva dried out at the corners of his mouth….eeeks…..
Title: “They are chauvinist whilst they are still a baby.”
This video features my son Aarohan and my tenant’s daughter Pammy. The background voice is mine (it sounds so horrible, groggy, and squealy….I hate my voice…please excuse me for that).
Even after all the research I did on internet and my personal deductions, I am yet to understand these weird species called male. But for each of you woman/girl outta there, this is for you…..