Women are definitely from Earth, but where the Hell are men from (1)

“There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn.” Chinese Proverb

Special Dedication: Sanjeev, who inspired me to write this article.:)

Before beginning this article, let me make it clear, I am neither a feminist nor a misandrist. I strictly believe in equality of genders and I do sincerely wish that men would leave their complacency and elevate themselves to the female standards and raise themselves high on the pedestals that the female species are sitting on. However, I have heard a lot about discrimination based on gender. I have studied all my life in co-ed schools and colleges and I never felt any gender disparity in those years. Me and my sister enjoyed equal attention and care as our cousin brothers. Mine and my sister’s summer vacations were spent with dozens of our cousin brothers, who considered us their equals and taught us swimming and fishing. Our brothers would tag us along to their cricket matches where we were trained to clap and shout for them even if they hit singles. My childhood memories are so rich because of them and till today I feel the best times in my life were when I went along with them fishing and swimming, and jumped into the ponds to pluck lotuses. My cousin brothers even taught us to climb mango, guava, and they would take us on boat rides across the rivers. Also, being pampered by 7 of my own maternal uncles (yes my mom has 7 brothers) was fun and going to my hometown in Alleppey was like a much awaited relief from the city and Air Force campus life. Throughout my growing years, I felt that me, my sister, my cousin brothers and sisters were all equal, just that our brothers were there to take care of us sisters and to pamper us.

To, tell you the truth, I never felt any kind of gender inequality either at home or outside (other than the usual curfew timings of reach-before-6 p.m. and you-are-not-going-to-theater-for-movies-wait-for-one-month-it-will-be-on television), but I know a majority of woman suffer gender discrimination, female infanticide, and so many horrible forms of torture that I do not wish to mention in this article of mine. Majority of the male species consider themselves to be superior than females.

Only after I got married, I came to know that there was some “chemical locha” in the male species and their DNA circuits were wired differently than us.

Its amusing to see why males behave in a certain weird way. So, here, I present, certain research studies, quotes from great people, pictures, jokes, theories, graphics, real photographs, and more to crack the code of “male” species. Here, I go.

“Without women, there isn’t a light in this world.”

WHAT RESEARCH SAYS:

Let me begin with the result of some clinical studies that were carried out.

• Females and males maintain unique brain characteristics throughout life. Male brains, for instance, are about 10% larger than female brains. But bigger doesn’t necessarily mean smarter.
• Consider these recent findings, researchers using brain imaging technology that captures blood flow to “working” parts of the brain, analyzed how men and women process language. All subjects listened to a novel. When males listened, only the left hemisphere of their brains was activated. The brains of female subjects, however, showed activity on both the left and right hemispheres. www.medicinenet.com

My take on these studies: Does that mean that the guys are not using their brains properly.:)

GIRLS VS BOYS ACADEMICALLY:

Girls score more than guys in CBSE, ICSE, and state exams and pass percentage of girls is much higher than that of boys.

HOW MEN AND WOMEN DREAM DIFFERENTLY:

Girls’ dreams have more people they know in them and more concern with personal appearance. The interactions are more friendly have more references to food and have more female characters in them. Girls are more likely to report longer dreams and recount them with more feeling, using colors to express feelings.

The adult studies seem to follow a similar pattern, with emphasis on indoor settings, family and home. Women more often dream of enclosed bodies of water, such as pools, lakes, ponds.

Men tend to have more men in their dreams and be in conflict or competition with them. Outdoor and unfamiliar settings are prevalent. Weapons, tools, cars and roads are common. Men report more sexual dreams, usually with unknown and attractive partners.

Geography of Men and Women:

• Between the ages of 18 – 21: A woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
• Between the ages of 21 – 30: A woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed.
• Between the ages of 30 – 35: She is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
• Between the ages of 35 – 40: A woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
• Between the ages of 40 – 50: She is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
• Between the ages of 50 – 60: She is like Russia or Canada. Very quiet.
• Between the ages of 60 – 70: A woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past, but alas no future.
• After 70: A woman is like Albania or Afghanistan, everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

• Between the ages of 15 – 70, a man is like England, ruled by a woman, ha ha ha.

UNSPOKEN COMMUNICATION BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS:

WHY HUSBANDS NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR WIVES ARE SAYING:

HEIGHT OF MALE CHAUVINISM:

WOMEN CAN CHANGE THE MISSION OF MEN:

WHY THERE IS A NEED TO PUT UP A SIGN WHERE MEN ARE WORKING:

CLINICAL TESTS ON ANIMALS IS BANNED IN MANY COUNTRIES, WE SHOULD INSTEAD USE MEN TO CONDUCT DRUG AND COSMETIC TRIALS:

WHAT WOMAN WISH FOR AT THE WISHING WELL:

DO MEN SNORE INTENTIONALLY:

PIE CHART DEPICTING PERCENTAGE OF ELIGIBLE MEN:

WHAT IF A MAN/WOMAN GOT LOST IN A DESERT:

WHY EINSTEIN IS STILL NOT A GENIUS:

CHEMICAL COMPOSITION OF WOMEN:

SOME THEORIES ABOUT MEN:

WHY WOMAN ARE CLEVER THAN MEN:

WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER ADVISE ANYONE:

EVOLUTION OF MALE SPECIES:

ORIGIN OF WOMEN’S HEADACHES:

HOW MALE AND FEMALE BRAINS FUNCTION:

HOW BEER EFFECTS THE VISUAL PARAMETERS OF THE MALE SPECIES:
BEFORE 6 BEERS:

WHAT WOMAN WANT IN THEIR MAN:

At the age of 22:

• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.
• Should look like Brad Pitt.

At the age of 32:

• Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
• Opens car doors, holds chairs
• Has enough money for a nice dinner
• Listens more than talks
• Laughs at my jokes
• Carries bags of groceries with ease
• Owns at least one tie
• Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
• Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
• Seeks romance at least once a week.

At the age of 42:

• Not too ugly (bald head OK)
• Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
• Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
• . Nods head when I’m talking
• Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
• Is in good enough shape to rearrange the
• furniture
• Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
• Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
• Remembers to put the toilet seat down
• Shaves most weekends.

At the age of 52:

• Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
• Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
• Doesn’t borrow money too often
• Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
• Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
• Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
• Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
• Appreciates a good TV dinner
• Remembers my name on occasion
• Shaves some weekends.

At the age of 62:

• Doesn’t scare small children
• Remembers where bathroom is
• Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
• Only snores lightly when asleep
• Remembers why he’s laughing
• Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
• Usually wears clothes
• Likes soft food
• Remembers where he left his teeth
• Remembers that it’s the weekend.

At the age of 72:

• Breathing.
• Doesn’t miss the toilet.

MALE OR FEMALE, JOKE:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
She: “What are you doing?”
He: “Hunting Flies”
She: “Oh. Killing any?”
He: “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,”
She: Intrigued, “How can you tell them apart?”
He: “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

LOUSIEST MAN ON EARTH, ANDY CAPP:

SOME QUESTION AND ANSWERS:

Question: What do you call an attractive, intelligent, and sensitive man?

• Answer: A rumour.

Question: Why don’t men go through menopause?

• Answer: They never left puberty.

Question: Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?

• Answer: It is rarer.

Question: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?

• Answer: Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

Question: Why are batteries better than men?

• Answer: Batteries have at least one positive end.

Question: Why can’t a man be both good-looking and intelligent?

• Answer: Because that would make him a woman.

Question: Why is a man’s brain the size of a peanut?

• Answer: Because it is swollen.

Question: What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?

• Answer: They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

BACHELOR’S PAD: A HOUSE WITHOUT A FEMALE TOUCH

Why Women are Superior:

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• Man’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• Taxi’s stop for us.
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
• We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
• Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.
• We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LET A MAN TO BABYSIT:

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT:

HOW MEN AND WINE ARE SIMILAR:

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

THE BEST CHEFS IN THE WORLD ARE MEN, BUT…..

VISION TEST FOR MEN:

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.

TYPES OF MEN

Just for the ladies – here is a good list of different TYPES OF MEN out there in the dating world.
Men can be more than one of these “types”, and can exhibit these tendencies to varying degrees:

• Handy : He will paint your home, fix your appliances and / or your car, etc., and love doing it. Put this guy to work while you’ve got him.
• Parasite : He needs you to pay for your dates with him, and he may be in a hurry to move in with you. He is most likely to be Handy (see above, Types of Men – Handy) … although not all Handy men are Parasites.
• Sports Fanatic : He will always watch the game, no matter what. Don’t mess with his TV, or with him when the game is on!
• Cheap : He can make a penny scream for mercy. If the two of you are ever homeless, then he will be a real asset to have around.
• Hedonist or Self-Gratifier : He is dedicated to all pleasures the world can offer him. He can be mild or extreme. A “mild” case might enjoy a good cigar, or maybe a $100 bottle of wine. A “severe” case might enjoy hookers and cocaine.
• Big Fish : He runs a major business or corporation or similar, and has enormous financial resources at his disposal. Could have Hedonist tendencies.
• Cheater : He will cheat on you, no matter what. May or may not be a Big Fish. Definitely a Hedonist. Try not to take his cheating personally … he cheats on everyone. He lies to you all the time – whether you realize it, or not.
• Dictator : He runs the show, period … at work, at home, and in a relationship. It is “his way or the highway” all the time.
• Bully : A “Bully” is a “Dictator” with a very bad temper. He will yell or threaten, and/or go into a fit of rage. He has a lot of testosteone, and likes to physically fight. This could be a male equivalent of our Types of Women – Psycho.
• Mama’s Boy : He will agree with everything you say, and do whatever you want at all times. He is a pleaser, and must always have a woman in his life. He may still live at home.
• Sensitive : He wants to talk about his feelings and your feelings, too … all the time. The rest of us men find this guy incredibly annoying – so don’t bring him around us.
• Emotionally Disconnected :  He does not talk when he is upset, nor does he say “I love you” when he probably does. He keeps it all to himself. When he dumps you, you may never know why.
• Slob : He allows everything (including his own body) to run down. He has no clue that his house smells funny, and the litter box needs to be emptied. You will find dirty dishes in his kitchen sink.
• Underachiever : He has a college degree but works at a low-paying job. You will probably wind up having to support him financially at some point.
• Overachiever : To him, it is all about getting everything he can. He is very work-focused, and has no time for anything else … especially not for you.
• Stalker : He is constantly concerned with where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, and what you are thinking. He will track you without your knowledge. If you find yourself dating a stalker, then you should end the relationship immediately, and possibly seek a restraining order. This is the male equivalent to our Types Women – Stalker.
• Negative : He believes that nothing or no one is any good. The world is against him (and you will be, too, at some point – or so he believes). Everything he loves goes away. Check his medicine cabinet.
• Addict : He enjoys his poison … whether it is alcohol, drugs, or whatever. It is all about the chemicals. If you want to keep him, then try not to interrupt his buzz.
• Mentally Ill : Something is wrong with this guy, and you just are not sure what it is at first. He has biochemical problems in his brain, and is on disability or social security. Could also be an Addict. Best to stay away from this guy.
• Arrogant : He is better than everyone, looks down upon the world, and looks down upon you … for whatever reason. This is unlikely to change.
• Perfect : He is well-balanced, emotionally- and financially-sound, respectful, and a family-oriented guy. Good luck finding one of these – he may not exist.
• Jackpot : Whichever qualities are most important to you – he has them all, and more. He is probably rich, too. This is the male equivalent of our Types of Women – Jackpot.

FUNNY FACTS ABOUT MEN:

• 1. Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
• 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
• 4. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
• 5. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”
• 6. Men forget everything; women remember everything that’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
• 7. Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room, and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.
• 8. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  9. Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.
• 10. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
• 11. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
• 12. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
• 13. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
• 14. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
• 15. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.
• 16. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
• 17. Men love watches with multiple functions. A husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
• 18. All men hate to hear, “We need to talk about our relationship”. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.
• 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
• 20. Men are sensitive in strange ways, If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
• 21. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
• 22. Men dont get cellulite.
• 23. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
• 24. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
• 25. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say “Oh my Gosh. Im so embarassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
• 26. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

Don’t miss part 2 of this post. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: